Revenge of the Odiferous

I promised someone I would write a poem a day for 30 days but today isn't happening.  New Year's Resolution fading fast before New Year...


Last Christmas I gave my Uncle the "American Choppers" cologne as a gag gift.  I remember a lot of laughing, and a lot of coughing and sneezing.  This year he got me Mariah Carey's new perfume, his heart beating with revenge...Ha!  It actually smells *good*.  It got passed around and admired.  I am going to wear it and lie about its lineage.  "Ms. OutOfTheLoop, it is the new limited edition from Chanel, you have been in a mall lately?"


I will wear it on my next hot online dating experience.


Um.


This one guy emailed extensively, wanted to know my hobbies and habits and loves, REALLY seemed to be paying attention as I ranted about dog rescue and vegan for life type hippie chick crap.  When I met him, I didn't recognize him because his picture was so old.  He walked up to me at the restaurant and I tried to blow him off, like, no, sorry, waiting for someone...."No, you're waiting for me."  Wow, you lost half of your hair in just a few weeks?  You should see an endocrinologist or something.  Like, STAT.  


He took vegan-me to an exotic meat bar.  No chicken or beef, no worries.  Ostrich, elk, you name it.  There were no side dishes.  You get a big, big hunk of meat in some bloody sauce, paired with 3 carefully chosen glasses of wine to compliment it.  Luckily my waitress was a beyond-hot black gay guy who knew exactly what was up like a psychic, and the next thing I knew I had risotto and diet coke.  He hid around the corner and laughed his nice ass off as I struggled to escape.  I noticed that he checked in on us Very Often.  (p.s. call me so I can kiss your shaved head, you did what you could)  


Don't even get me started on the lawyer with his damned roofies.  I kissed a girl to get out of that one, and there are pictures.  I do not enjoy Rohypnol, ok?  


What is it with online dating?  Am I the only one who uses real pictures?  Oh, and if you are 5"6 please don't say 6"5, it is a psychological problem, not a typo.  I am looking for someone in a blue shirt, and you are not alone.  Or wait, do say that, I might meet a random non-A20/A-22 type 6"5 guy in a blue shirt and we might make each other's day.  Actually the best idea yet!    


Don't be the guy who tries to follow me home from the coffee shop while my fuel light is on, either.  I have a newly modified G in my car, freak.  


Fuck it.  Diamonds bounce.  Call me if you want to go to the shooting club.  


Merry Christmas!